Catalyst

Ever notice how you never notice change? Have you ever looked back at pics from not even 5 years ago and you are just baffled by, not only the physical changes in yourself, but of the place you were in in life? You can never notice the crazy changes in daily life. Looking in the mirror every day grows to be a bias opinion of yourself. Having mirrors in your presence since birth becomes the catalyst of why we never notice physical change. Looking at old pictures is obviously the drug to nostalgia, but I look at my pictures from early high school days and such and realize how much I've changed both mentally and physically, but I still feel like the same strange person I was back then. Yes, I had pink hair and wore kilts with safety pins and spike bracelets, but inside I feel like the same person, just evolved, in all aspects, including my clothing style (Thank God).

When I do reflect and look back, I do realize those pivotal moments when my brain wrinkles with new ideas and becomes the catalyst for mental and spiritual changes. I remember those catalysts very well. Most of them were people. Even if they were in my life for 12 seconds, who knows if they actually did change it.

Then I wonder, if I have been a catalyst to people's lives changing. I would have to be. I do have best friends and family to think about. However, I think about who Merri would be today if we had never met. Would she have gone on living her life in Darien and not moved to New Canaan? Would her parents maybe still be married? What if I was a catalyst to a catalyst to her family's demise? What if my constant lecturing and nit-picking over Merri caused her to fall into that deep depression she was drowning in back in our adolescence? What would have happened if I did not pick up the phone after our big fight in 6th grade and decided to never talk to her again? I guess I should not reflect on the "what if"'s but it is so strange to think of our little decisions as life changing.

Then there is Marisa. Would she be better off without me in her life? We have known each other for about two years and we have both evolved quite nicely I would say. I take her innocent demeanor into consideration and attempt quieting down my asshole-attitude and my crazy weirdness gets infused into her light-hearted self. However, would she be better off without my quirks and loose-bolts influencing her romantic life? What works for one person may not be the answer to another. Perhaps she is destined for something bigger than I could even fathom for my life. Or maybe vise versa? She gets hung up on certain boys the way I did back in middle school. Curse or blessing? On one hand I wish I could get hung up on anybody the same way I did with Charlie, but when it is unrequited, that shit hurts. I admit to getting my hopes up about some people, but I never quite reach the point of getting hung up on anyone anymore. I kind of want it to hit me one day. Just have a conversation with someone and it almost slaps me in the face.

Now Zoe, what good have I done her? HAHA! Seriously, a 5 year age difference at this time in our lives may as well be a 10 year difference. She is still in high school and I am wondering where my chosen profession is going to take me. She is virgin territory...but then what does that make me...damaged goods? At least I'm still "goods"? If I never worked at that Theater camp, where we met, not only would I have not met her, but I would not have met Marisa. Who would I have spent 50% of my time with? Is my 21 year old lifestyle influencing Zoe to grow up too fast? That is the last thing I want to deprive her of. As painful as being a young teen was, it only prepared me to be a good person. Yes, I can be a huge dick, but deep down I love very deeply when I let myself. Have I provided a disservice to her in anyway? Have I stripped her of any expectations about love with my bitterness? I hope she knows that my advice is just my stand on everything and my experiences. Shitty happenstances like I have had may not come her way. Without shitty happenstances, there would not be wonderful ones though. There is a silver lining...always.

What benefits have I lent to Garrett. For years, I have been every body's therapist or go-to girl when they need me. I never really had my own until Garrett. Does he fucking hate me for that sometimes? I know he probably hates that yet another person relies on him. He is yet another product of "what if I never.."'s. If I had never became friends with Trish back in 8th grade, I would have never met her younger brother Matt, who became a good friend, and if I had never met Matty than Garrett would have remained the blond boy who was on my bus in elementary school. I see Garrett as a blessing and a curse, as well. On one hand, I found everything I needed in a person at the exact right time that I needed it. However, the curse part is that now I am so attached and so reliant on him, that I fear a letdown is hiding in the mist. Perhaps I put him on a pedestal? The words I never want to hear out of any male again (or even female friends), who have let me down, are the empty, "I'm so sorry"'s, I'm so fucking sick of those. How's about you don't do anything to be sorry about? But, seriously, what benefits have I lent to Garrett? Have I been so busy taking so much from this friendship that I've forgotten to give back?

Well, if there is any doubt in any one of these four people's bones about me not loving them, they can go suck a nut! I just hope I have not done anybody wrong. Perhaps they do not know I have done them wrong, and neither do I, but either way, inevitably, they would be in different places or phases in life without me. I'm glad they've all risked something that may have turned out better to be loves of my life. WOW, this all sounds very insecure of me to explain. Really, I'm just babbling...

Here's to being a catalyst!!!!

Cheers, bitch!